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Imperfections and proportionality

Posted on 20 Oct 2011 in Black Forest Ramblings | 0 comments

When you’re looking at the people around you you often see that especially the people seeking perfection do the most unreasonable things.
How many of us have wondered why our friends care so much about the most imperfect person? Why intelligent people like our friends just don’t realize that they are making a fool of themselves when they don’t turn away from someone who in our opinion so obvioulsy isn’t treating them the way they deserve to be treated?
Well, for once, I guess you cannot judge people just by what you see or hear about them. There is so much more to a relationship between two people than what you can see on the surface. So even if we see that we’re not treated the way we deserve we might still “feel” (or just imagine?) what is beneath the surface and – without using it as an excuse for the person because absolutely nothing justifies treating someone you supposedly care about badly – we might see the “bigger” picture, including happy memories of moments (unfortunately) long past, the hope to share more of those moments of perfect happiness soon and the way those people make us feel.
But why do we get attached to someone who’s way less than perfect and has proved it many times over in the first place?
I don’t think we can really explain why we get attached to people. When we meet someone it only takes a few seconds for us to judge whether or not we might like the person. If we do think we might we will try to get to know them and find out if our first impression was right. Most of the time we will have been wrong and the person in question will prove to be different from what we thought (just think about Michel Houellebecq novel “Atomised” who makes you realize that we might in fact be all alone, meeting random people at random times yet parting ways rather sooner than later and that there are only a very few people who are never meant to leave us, either physically or emotionally, and who make us feel like we actually LIVE our lives instead of just existing). However, sometimes we do meet one of these very rare people and they are the ones really “getting under our skin” and who we get (maybe even reluctantly) attached to for some reason. Most of these people may end up disappointing us sooner or later and disappear from our lives, but then there is this even smaller number of people (maybe they are just one or two) who don’t disappear both because we don’t want them to and because no matter how many times they let us down and seem not to care in the least they don’t let go of us either and keep coming back into our lives after all.
So why do we keep people who say they care about us but act as if they don’t in our lives no matter what? Don’t we doubt their good intentions and words? Are we plain stupid?
I guess that even though it is a common belief that actions are more important than (shallow) words things are not always that black and white. Of course we feel bad when we’re ignored, when emails and texts don’t seem important enough to deserve an answer, when we see that other people seem to know way more about the person who says they care so much about US and don’t want to lose us, when we can’t help but realize that even if our “friend” seems to always be busy and/or broke (which is the reason they say they can’t see us more often) they do have time and money for so many things, when we feel like being last in a long, long list of priorities. Yet even though we do see all this and of course doubt their honesty we might still not tell them to go to hell (which we would have done long ago with 99,9999% of people). Does it make us look stupid? Certainly. Is it reasonable? Probably not because we might very well end up with a broken heart one day. IS it stupid? No, because it shows we’re human and that we do have feelings that we can’t control, even though we might be the control freak we are.
So why do we, who usually know exactly what we want our lives to be and seek perfection, give our friendship (or even more) to people who so obviously don’t deserve it, who hurt and disappoint us over and over again without even realizing, who give us the feeling we couldn’t be any less important to them and that about a million people in their lives are more important than us and get to see them on a regular basis whereas we almost have to beg them to find some time to see us at least twice a year?
I can’t say for sure but maybe the attachment we feel to those particular people who we were SUPPOSED to run into (yes, I do believe in fate!) is simply inversely proportional to all their flaws and accepting no matter how many and serious flaws is the ultimate proof of friendship because you love the person DESPITE all their flaws. Maybe friendship and love have to be unreasonable in order to be “real”.
It’s just a question how much you are willing to take before you at least dare to make them understand that you need a little more than they want to give you and that – if they didn’t lie when they said that you meant a lot to them and if they care about keeping you in their lives – they HAVE to give you a LEGITIMATE reason to believe in their honesty and this “relationship” (no matter what the nature of it may be, if a definition is possible at all) by doing SOMETHING, be it a few honest words every once in a while, some little gestures that you would expect from a real friend and that friendships and other relationships need to exist like we need air (and sometimes love) to breathe… 
It just isn’t enough to say or do certain things once, you have to say and do them over and over again because when it comes to friendship and love we cannot take anything for granted but we need continuous reassurance to feel at ease and happy.